There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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