My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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