good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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