You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize