He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
