i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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