I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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