I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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