FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I have fence marks all over my body
my god I love twenty year old dicks
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
