New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she looked like the before picture.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize