remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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