I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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