I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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