Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
