Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize