you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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