cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
