Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
