Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
