you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
