so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
