btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
