Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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