you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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