Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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