literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
