I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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