does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
