I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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