Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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