You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
