4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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