Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
