She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
