She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You left your phone here
Wait...
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