cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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