You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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