there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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