I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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