can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize