Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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