If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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