my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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