rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
