you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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