dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
