history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
