I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize