this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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