I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
