Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
