just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
