I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You may now shotgun with the bride
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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