I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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