I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize