So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
