This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
