Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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