ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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