i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Watching her eat just hurts me
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
