I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
