Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
