Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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