I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
