Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize