I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
